i am not alright.

i am numb.

so numb i bit my lip and didn't notice till the blood.

n's cousin, died on the deepwater horizon. left a kid and a pregnant wife.
my brother, jn, got in a big bad car wreck in ca aug 9th. was in a coma in an icu in reno, nv, untill i had them pull the plug on oct 9th. he never wanted to be on life support in the first place.
i'm leading the charge of dealing with his estate.
my other brother, c, goes to prison for 6 months at the end of dec
my mom went into the hospital the day after we pulled the plug on jn. she's been in and out of the hospital for 6 weeks. kindey/gallbladder/liver problems.
my deardear friend, k's, sister fell to her death in peru. she was 20. they had a bitch of a time getting her body home.
cousin's husband fell off his bike and broke 3 vertebrae, femur, ribs, collapsed lung, and hit his head. he's doing much better, thank you.
friend of the family was out riding his motorcycle with friends and a car swerved into their group. he and his wife died. left two young teenagers.
i've been home 18 of the last 118 days, mostly at work and staying in reno with my coma'd brother, and i'm not sure if that's a bad thing cause it was pretty rocky before all that started.

shit can weigh a fucker down.

my head is blown. i can't remember shit. can't think straight. can't feel much of anything. sometimes i go outside and the cool autumn air and the bright sun mix to make it perfect outside and i am alone and in love with everything and aFUCKINGlive, but only sometimes. sometimes i want to curl up in a little ball on the floor and the world just disappear, but only sometimes. usually i just keep on breathing and looking for...i don't know. i don't know. the next shoe to drop, it all to stop, the silver lined triple rainbow, maybe just a hug, or a slap to the face.

this is life.
i like life.
i like sucking deep, even when this marrow taste a bit like bitter poo.

it's a weird place. this is what this part of life feels like, numb. it's not fun, it's not pleasurable, it's not enchanting, but it is good. it's experience, it's additive, it's a few of the many colors that create such a beautifull masterpiece. it is life. i like life.