nervous

i was a kid once. debatable if i ever stopped.

and believe it or not, i liked a girl!. i know, GROSS~, but true.
ok, so i liked more than one girl!. i was pretty good at CRUSHes. every now and then my heart would latch onto some fantabulous someone and just wouldn't let go.

like LOURDES GARCIA!. i have a fun little exaggerated story i enjoy telling about my CRUSH on lourdes. in sixth grade she moved to texas from spain. why? i never knew. she was in my class and the moment she walked in the door all alone, gorgeous, confident and vulnerable i was hooked. me and everybody else. but i had one weapon in my toolbox(yep, i just mixed my metaphors) that all the others lacked, persistence. and let me tell you, persistence doesn't necessarily pay off. lourdes didn't know english when she arrived, and the ESL teachers did their best, but they had a hard time understanding a spanish speaker from spain. they kept asking each other if lourdes even knew spanish. of course, not being able to speak to her though words only added to her wonderous allure. i spent much of my sixth grade getting my advances rebuffed. to this day, i claim to have taught lourdes garcia how to say 'no' in english.

the simplicity of the translation was not wasted on her, just me.

but that's not what i'm here to talk about. i'm came to talk about ABI TAPIA!.

when seventh grade rolled around i quickly got over lourdes(as much as one can get over lourdes. i mean, she did teach me the EMOTION of sex. hey! if you had seen her dance to "pump up the volume" you would have felt it too). i met the enigmatic joy that is ABI TAPIA!. it seemed that of all the people in the world that i had met, no one was ever or would be a more perfect match for me than ABI TAPIA!. she was smart, beautifull, strange, talented, and free. right from the get go, it seemed so obvious that we would date. so natural that we would be together, discover what life was about with each other. if ever there was a destiny for me, it was ABIGAIL TAPIA!. the fit simply could not have been better with anyone, anywhere. NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF TYLER HAVE I BEEN SO WRONG. boy howdy, did i try. all the time. how she would even be in the same room with me, i do not know. if she was, chances are i was chatting her up, or wanting to. the persistence i had used on lourdes paled in comparison with the THREE YEARS i chased ABI!. sure, maybe some would have gotten upset when she dated matt(my bff). but not me, i was glad she was happy, and i could get juicy details. that was ninth grade, and by that time even i saw my advances and desires and almost comical, even if they felt just as real. she moved away at the end of that year. i dedicated the beatles' "in my life" to her eternally. at the time she was the second verse, now she is the first. it is a CRUSH for the ages.

and as it turns out...my first lesbian crush. no wonder it never worked out.


ABI is a fantastic singer/songwriter now. she even lived in austin for a while. i've bought some of her music. she's good, real good. but i've never been to one of her shows. being an anonymous face in the crowd isn't the way i want to be remembered by her. ok..it's not the way i want to remember myself in her company. just another fan/friend from the past in line to greet her and maybe buy a tshirt. i'd only be jealous of her current friends. the ones she's going to hang out with after the show, catch a late night bite, maybe a little afterparty action at someone's place. who ever it is, it's not me. i'm cool with that, but it's easy to be cool with it at a distance.

that changes tonight. i've finally gotten the balls to go see her show. ACK! i'm sooo nervous! what will i wear?!?!?! should i act all cool, with a half nod and a 'was up', or run up and tackle her with a jumping bear hug? mosey or skip/bounce? protect myself, or wear it on my sleeve? i know, find the middle ground. let her lead my response. be silly, engaging, yet reserved. FUCK THE MIDDLE GROUND! i push boundaries and cross lines. it's what i do.

so, yeah, i'm nervous.

i really wanna win that car.